Dear DoubleTake,
I have been married for nearly five years. Things were so great in the beginning, but we now have two children and barely see each other becuase of his work schedule.
Also, he doesn't know how to tell his parents to butt out and keep their thoughts to themselves. We are renting from them and the utilities are in their name. We just traded in a car –- also in their name -- and I bought a new one.
His parents having control has put a major damper on our marriage, and I have wanted to walk away a few times and just be done with it. I have suggested that we move, get things in our name, start a mortgage on the house, but it's to no avail.
I am tired of the things that I have to put up with, and he says that they don't mean things the way that they say them. I know that I blame him for his parents' intrusion, but he is the same way with most things, selfish!
I just don't know what to do anymore. I have backed off a lot and let him do his own thing, and he doesn't like it. I have talked about separating. I am not happy at all, and I know that my children feel the effects of this.
What do you suggest?

BETTY SAYS:

What your partner needs to understand first and foremost is that as a husband and a father of young children, his parents cannot be the first priority. If he is unable to understand this agreement, then yes, perhaps it is time to separate.

But it's not all so bad. Perhaps your husband just needs a lesson in finances.

One suggestion is to use the economy's downturn as a starting place for a discussion with your husband about the future.

Something like this could work: "Honey, have you been watching the news? Interest rates are down, and it sounds like a good time for us to start a mortgage on the house." Or, "I think that it's time we stop renting and build up some equity for ourselves."

Many people are clueless about how to pay for bills because of the way they were raised. And you're right -- his parents can be blamed for that. But he's old enough to break away from the money manipulation and start making his own decisions about the future.

Why not enroll him in a class that can help him learn how to handle the bills like a grown-up? A lot of these classes have popped up recently because of the nation's poor financial state. Check local community colleges and adult learning centers for resources.

But if he refuses, know that the responsibility for building credit for your children's financial future will fall to you.

EDDIE SAYS:

Many times, when people ask for our advice I think, "How come this person can't see how her behavior makes the problem worse?"

Here, it sounds like you have very legitimate gripes and have tried to make strides toward improving your situation, but your husband just won't go along.

That points you at a rare point: It's fair for you to make an ultimatum at this point, or at least borrow from the negotiations between the U.S. and Iraq and start working on a timetable for withdrawl. If he won't meet certain benchmarks -- getting a new place or your own mortgage by a certain date, for example -- you might have to pull out entirely.

You also seem to be taking small steps to prepare yourself for a life on your own, but nothing that harms your relationship.

I can not see exactly where your path will take you, but you are taking the right steps.

Disagree With Double Take? Offer Your Own Advice

Do you need a second -- and third -- opinion about a problem in your life? Ask Double Take and you'll get two points of view: one from Eddie, a married family man in his early 30s, and one from Betty, a single woman in her 20s.

E-mail questions to doubletake@ibsys.com. A new column is published every other Tuesday.

To be considered for publication, please keep letters to fewer than 300 words. If you feel more background information is needed, consider adding it as a postscript. Because of the volume of the mail received, Eddie and Betty offer advice only to the letters that are chosen for publication.

Double Take writers are not trained psychologists and their responses should not be taken as a substitute for professional advice. Double Take reserves the right to edit submissions. Double Take Archive:
More Advice ...