Dear DoubleTake,
There's this guy that I had been seeing on and off for about five months. I knew that he had other female friends and I was fine with that, since I have male friends that I spend time with.
I spent more time with him than my other male friends, so he was somewhat special to me. We never had the, "Are we exclusive or not?" conversation, but I felt we had an understanding.
I broke things off with him when I realized that he was making plans with another woman while hanging with me.
After I calmed down, I reached out to him to see what was up with us, and he would never give me a straight answer, so I just figured he had moved on.
I remain friends with him, but something was still drawing me to him. I want to leave him alone, but there are moments when I want to be bothered with him and want him back in my life. What should I do, and how should I handle this?

BETTY SAYS:

The word "disrespect" comes to mind when I hear about him making plans with someone else while you two were spending time together.

Cool off your contact this guy, at least for a while. It'll give you perspective and lessen your temptations. Know that if a genuine friendship -- not a hookup -- is meant to be, the universe will provide and eventually you'll catch up again.

Unfortunately, this guy sounds like he's a player. The longer you keep false hope about wanting to have him back in your life, the longer it will take you to move on.

Be strong if you do see him again. One vulnerable patch and you'll be facing the same issues again.

EDDIE SAYS:

If you want exclusivity from a guy and he doesn't, that's a good reason to break things off.

But ending it because he spends times with other women -- who may just be friends -- before you even said what you want and expect is unfair to you and him. How was he supposed to you that you had internally and unilaterally decided there was an understanding?

Something changed in your mind. Whether it happened gradually or suddenly, you can't blame him for not going through the same conversion at the same time.

I suppose that if he wanted you and only you, pushing him away would have forced him to say so; maybe his silence answers your unspoken question.

But if you think that something important could come from your relationship -- and if you want that -- you need to speak up, rather than expecting him to guess what you want and what you think.

Disagree With Double Take? Offer Your Own Advice

Do you need a second -- and third -- opinion about a problem in your life? Ask Double Take and you'll get two points of view: one from Eddie, a married family man in his early 30s, and one from Betty, a single woman in her 20s.

E-mail questions to doubletake@ibsys.com. A new column is published every other Tuesday.

To be considered for publication, please keep letters to fewer than 300 words. If you feel more background information is needed, consider adding it as a postscript. Because of the volume of the mail received, Eddie and Betty offer advice only to the letters that are chosen for publication.

Double Take writers are not trained psychologists and their responses should not be taken as a substitute for professional advice. Double Take reserves the right to edit submissions. Double Take Archive:
More Advice ...